i got on the prince's trust course. yay!
12 weeks of community projects, team building exercises, work placements and public speaking! sounds rough, but i should get a city and guilds qualification once i'm done. don't know what a city and guilds qualification is, but it's got to be better than not having one.
oh, this isn't a rant by the way.
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The Rant Thread
Re: The Rant Thread
by Pious the chosen on Wed Feb 01, 2012 7:15 pm
maf-me-quick wrote:oh, this isn't a rant by the way.
I thought so too, I was waiting for the punchline. Congrats Maf, good luck etc
"Now come, hold onto me, and I'll do the hard work..."
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Pious the chosen - Posts: 6462
- Joined: Sun Jun 11, 2006 6:20 pm
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Re: The Rant Thread
by maf-me-quick on Sat Feb 04, 2012 1:41 am
dude.
i went shopping for birthday presents today for my mum. i had such plans. i was going to get her some new timberlands, a new jumper, a card, and save some money so i could chip in for the birthday dinner on sunday.
that's a plan.
lets start with shoes. oh my god. i don't know if any one knows this, but i know **** all about clothes. the only information i had was get the ones that are similar to her old ones and they're like kickers. got it. so i gets in to town and spend about 30 minutes eyeing up all the clothes shops. wandering around going "that one looks cheap, that one looks expensive, that one looks like it's for young people, that one looks like it's for dead people." so killing it already. i phone a mate of mine up and says to him;
"where do you buy timberlands from?"
he says "a shoe shop."
i say "well done on cracking the case, columbo. what shoe shop?"
he says "i dunno."
i said "why did i even bother to phone you?"
he said "to ask where to get timberlands from."
my intuition tells me that 1) he doesn't possess the information i require. and 2) he's a cunt. so to hell with it! i strap on a pair and decide to go stick my nose where it doesn't belong and try all the shops. i spot my first target, god knows what it was called. should of probably looked. so i wander in and the place is just stacked top to bottom with tops and bottoms. i'm not seeing no shoes. so i casually waltz right down the middle just looking around and some things start to jump out at me. firstly; all the models on the posters are children. weird. all the people in the shop are with children. weird. all the clothes on the rack look fucking tiny. oh no.
a woman comes up to me and says
"can i help you?"
what do you say? i can't say i'm looking for someone. i can't say i don't know what i'm doing. i could of said no and walked out. but why make things easy? i said "i'm just browsing" she looks at me funny. know what, slick? i earned that.
continue to go around a bit more and i see a shop called soul trader. bam! here we go. i look around and i see exactly what i'm looking for; timberlands that i think look like the ones my mum had. so i walk up to the woman and say
"hi."
"hello."
"if you don't mind, i have a dumb question"
she looks puzzled and goes "err...okay."
i point to the shoe and say "is that a woman's shoe?"
"yes."
"i'll take it!"
"what size do you want?"
**** it. i dunno. i phone my mate up again and asks him
"what size shoe is my mum?"
he says "i dunno."
i said "you was there last time she got shoes!"
he says "so were you"
i--p. i hate you so fucking much.
i said to the woman "what size do they come in?"
she says "all of them"
i said "what size is that?"
she says "5."
i say "i'll take it!"
so i gets to the counter and i'm being served by this guy. he goes out and gets the timberlands and he's racking them up and doing whatever. then he turns around and says
"uh-oh."
"what's up?"
"one of these are a 5, the other one is a 5½. not to worry, i'll go back in the back and figure this out."
alright. so i'm waiting there for a little while and he comes back out, flies right by me and starts talking to the girl. dunno what they're saying, don't really care. he goes to the front of the store grabs a shoe, comes back and says
"there you go. all sorted. this ones a 5 as well."
and i'm looking at the shoe, then i'm looking at him, then he's looking at me, then i'm looking at the shoe, then i'm looking at the original shoe, then i look back at him. i say
"are you sure that's right?"
"yeah. that's a 5"
"yeah, that might be a 5..."
"...but they're two different colours."
he looks puzzled.
"no, no, no. they're the same."
"that one is blue."
"yes."
"that one is grey."
"no. it's just the dust where it's been in the shop window."
he rubs the front of the shoe, i don't know what he thought would happen. but nothing did happen.
"there you go, all better."
are you kidding me. the shoe has been in the shop window for so long the sun has desaturated the colour or something.
i said "i can't take them, man."
"why?"
"because they're not the same colour!"
"do you want me to order some new ones in for you?"
"i need them by sunday. how long will it take to get a new pair?"
"it takes 2-3 business days, so you might have them by tomorrow."
"it's saturday tomorrow."
"oh, yeah."
done. i leave. i start going in different shops asking people do they have women's timberlands and i'm getting a variety of no's and yes's where some have some but not the one's i'm after. this goes on for about an hour until i end up in another shop which turned out to be 20ft away from soul trader. perfect. i goes in, i see some timberlands, very similar to the one's i saw in soul trader and i stop one of the women who was working there and say
"hi."
"hello."
"if you don't mind, i have a dumb question"
she looks puzzled and goes "err...okay."
i point to the shoe and say "is that a woman's shoe?"
and she says "no"
aww for **** sake.
shoes are done. i'll figure that enigma out tomorrow. next stop is the jumper and i know straight where i'm going: primark. i make it there and straight away i'm already bemused by the tonne of people that are in there but eventually i get to some jumpers i think would be fitting for my mum. at least they would be fitting if they looked like they were big enough for anybody over 12.
i've been here before. i have a quick look around and i see no children's posters or anything so i assume this is right, but these clothes look tiny. i look at the size on the hangers and they're saying 12, 14, 18 and all these numbers i don't understand. they all look the same size. i can't ask anybody who works here if these will fit my mum, because they won't know. i think about phoning my mate up but if he knows what size top my mum wears i'll have some bigger questions to ask, plus he's a cunt. so i do what any normal person would do.
i wait until the relatively small vicinity around me is clear, and kind of like, i don't know how else to put it other than 'rubbing' the side of my body up against the jumper to get an idea of how big this thing is. now in retrospect, this seems like an incredibly dumb action to take. but at the time it seemed like a good idea.
i'm using the side of my body because i need to get a good viewing angle to see how it's fairing. it doesn't really work so i stop. i carry on staring at this jumper trying to work out how i'm going to figure this out. so the natural, logical step is to rub the other side of my body up against it. as i start to like, lean in to the jumper, so to speak. there's this woman looking at me. man.
i don't know how long she's been there. did she see me do this before? did she just get here? what is she thinking? does she realize how hard it is for a guy venturing in to primark solo to stay level headed? there's a lot of pressure.
she is just looking at me, man, while i'm ever so slightly pushing my body in to this thing with my knees bent a little bit, and it hits me. what i'm doing right now, this is fucking weird. with in a second i stand up straight while looking at her to see if she says anything. she cocks her haid a fraction and says
"you ok?"
i said "yeah, fine. it's for my mum"
and that did it. needless to say i just left the shop.
i fucking hate clothes shopping.
i went shopping for birthday presents today for my mum. i had such plans. i was going to get her some new timberlands, a new jumper, a card, and save some money so i could chip in for the birthday dinner on sunday.
that's a plan.
lets start with shoes. oh my god. i don't know if any one knows this, but i know **** all about clothes. the only information i had was get the ones that are similar to her old ones and they're like kickers. got it. so i gets in to town and spend about 30 minutes eyeing up all the clothes shops. wandering around going "that one looks cheap, that one looks expensive, that one looks like it's for young people, that one looks like it's for dead people." so killing it already. i phone a mate of mine up and says to him;
"where do you buy timberlands from?"
he says "a shoe shop."
i say "well done on cracking the case, columbo. what shoe shop?"
he says "i dunno."
i said "why did i even bother to phone you?"
he said "to ask where to get timberlands from."
my intuition tells me that 1) he doesn't possess the information i require. and 2) he's a cunt. so to hell with it! i strap on a pair and decide to go stick my nose where it doesn't belong and try all the shops. i spot my first target, god knows what it was called. should of probably looked. so i wander in and the place is just stacked top to bottom with tops and bottoms. i'm not seeing no shoes. so i casually waltz right down the middle just looking around and some things start to jump out at me. firstly; all the models on the posters are children. weird. all the people in the shop are with children. weird. all the clothes on the rack look fucking tiny. oh no.
a woman comes up to me and says
"can i help you?"
what do you say? i can't say i'm looking for someone. i can't say i don't know what i'm doing. i could of said no and walked out. but why make things easy? i said "i'm just browsing" she looks at me funny. know what, slick? i earned that.
continue to go around a bit more and i see a shop called soul trader. bam! here we go. i look around and i see exactly what i'm looking for; timberlands that i think look like the ones my mum had. so i walk up to the woman and say
"hi."
"hello."
"if you don't mind, i have a dumb question"
she looks puzzled and goes "err...okay."
i point to the shoe and say "is that a woman's shoe?"
"yes."
"i'll take it!"
"what size do you want?"
**** it. i dunno. i phone my mate up again and asks him
"what size shoe is my mum?"
he says "i dunno."
i said "you was there last time she got shoes!"
he says "so were you"
i--p. i hate you so fucking much.
i said to the woman "what size do they come in?"
she says "all of them"
i said "what size is that?"
she says "5."
i say "i'll take it!"
so i gets to the counter and i'm being served by this guy. he goes out and gets the timberlands and he's racking them up and doing whatever. then he turns around and says
"uh-oh."
"what's up?"
"one of these are a 5, the other one is a 5½. not to worry, i'll go back in the back and figure this out."
alright. so i'm waiting there for a little while and he comes back out, flies right by me and starts talking to the girl. dunno what they're saying, don't really care. he goes to the front of the store grabs a shoe, comes back and says
"there you go. all sorted. this ones a 5 as well."
and i'm looking at the shoe, then i'm looking at him, then he's looking at me, then i'm looking at the shoe, then i'm looking at the original shoe, then i look back at him. i say
"are you sure that's right?"
"yeah. that's a 5"
"yeah, that might be a 5..."
"...but they're two different colours."
he looks puzzled.
"no, no, no. they're the same."
"that one is blue."
"yes."
"that one is grey."
"no. it's just the dust where it's been in the shop window."
he rubs the front of the shoe, i don't know what he thought would happen. but nothing did happen.
"there you go, all better."
are you kidding me. the shoe has been in the shop window for so long the sun has desaturated the colour or something.
i said "i can't take them, man."
"why?"
"because they're not the same colour!"
"do you want me to order some new ones in for you?"
"i need them by sunday. how long will it take to get a new pair?"
"it takes 2-3 business days, so you might have them by tomorrow."
"it's saturday tomorrow."
"oh, yeah."
done. i leave. i start going in different shops asking people do they have women's timberlands and i'm getting a variety of no's and yes's where some have some but not the one's i'm after. this goes on for about an hour until i end up in another shop which turned out to be 20ft away from soul trader. perfect. i goes in, i see some timberlands, very similar to the one's i saw in soul trader and i stop one of the women who was working there and say
"hi."
"hello."
"if you don't mind, i have a dumb question"
she looks puzzled and goes "err...okay."
i point to the shoe and say "is that a woman's shoe?"
and she says "no"
aww for **** sake.
shoes are done. i'll figure that enigma out tomorrow. next stop is the jumper and i know straight where i'm going: primark. i make it there and straight away i'm already bemused by the tonne of people that are in there but eventually i get to some jumpers i think would be fitting for my mum. at least they would be fitting if they looked like they were big enough for anybody over 12.
i've been here before. i have a quick look around and i see no children's posters or anything so i assume this is right, but these clothes look tiny. i look at the size on the hangers and they're saying 12, 14, 18 and all these numbers i don't understand. they all look the same size. i can't ask anybody who works here if these will fit my mum, because they won't know. i think about phoning my mate up but if he knows what size top my mum wears i'll have some bigger questions to ask, plus he's a cunt. so i do what any normal person would do.
i wait until the relatively small vicinity around me is clear, and kind of like, i don't know how else to put it other than 'rubbing' the side of my body up against the jumper to get an idea of how big this thing is. now in retrospect, this seems like an incredibly dumb action to take. but at the time it seemed like a good idea.
i'm using the side of my body because i need to get a good viewing angle to see how it's fairing. it doesn't really work so i stop. i carry on staring at this jumper trying to work out how i'm going to figure this out. so the natural, logical step is to rub the other side of my body up against it. as i start to like, lean in to the jumper, so to speak. there's this woman looking at me. man.
i don't know how long she's been there. did she see me do this before? did she just get here? what is she thinking? does she realize how hard it is for a guy venturing in to primark solo to stay level headed? there's a lot of pressure.
she is just looking at me, man, while i'm ever so slightly pushing my body in to this thing with my knees bent a little bit, and it hits me. what i'm doing right now, this is fucking weird. with in a second i stand up straight while looking at her to see if she says anything. she cocks her haid a fraction and says
"you ok?"
i said "yeah, fine. it's for my mum"
and that did it. needless to say i just left the shop.
i fucking hate clothes shopping.
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maf-me-quick - Posts: 8133
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- Location: ON THE MOOOOON!
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radiofloyd - Posts: 6300
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Re: The Rant Thread
by Pious the chosen on Sat Feb 04, 2012 2:37 pm
"what size shoe is my mum?"
I literally had tears in my eyes with that one..
"Now come, hold onto me, and I'll do the hard work..."
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Pious the chosen - Posts: 6462
- Joined: Sun Jun 11, 2006 6:20 pm
- Location: R'lyeh
Re: The Rant Thread
by Bilge Rat on Sat Feb 04, 2012 8:02 pm
Gah! I barely use Facebook but recently it seems to have changed its own settings so that now it constantly sends me emails whenever my friends change their status, post pictures, scratch their testicles etc. I tried looking at the notificiations section in the account settings but all of the options that I can see should only relate to actions that involve ME (when people comment on MY status, comment on MY pictures or scratch MY testicles). None of the options seem to cover blocking out inane acticity that has nothing to do with me. Any ideas?
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Bilge Rat - Posts: 6452
- Joined: Tue May 06, 2008 11:36 am
- Location: Edinburgh, UK
Re: The Rant Thread
by Pious the chosen on Sun Feb 05, 2012 9:55 am
Spam Filter?
Anyway Snow... again FFS
Anyway Snow... again FFS
"Now come, hold onto me, and I'll do the hard work..."
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Pious the chosen - Posts: 6462
- Joined: Sun Jun 11, 2006 6:20 pm
- Location: R'lyeh
Re: The Rant Thread
by regemond on Mon Feb 06, 2012 3:02 pm
Nowhere near as funny as maf's rant (which was absolute quality by the way!!), but my xbox account got hacked at the weekend.
Some pleb took £85 quid out of my mate's paypal account and treated himself to some points then used them all on FIFA.
Luckily paypal are giving him a refund and Microsoft are looking into it too.
The worst part was when I logged on to my xbox Saturday morning while on the phone to Microsoft and a message popped up sayin "regemond was last signed in on another console". I felt a little abused at that!! Like I'd woke up with my bumhole feeling sore and an empty Rohypnol packet next to my bed...
Some pleb took £85 quid out of my mate's paypal account and treated himself to some points then used them all on FIFA.
Luckily paypal are giving him a refund and Microsoft are looking into it too.
The worst part was when I logged on to my xbox Saturday morning while on the phone to Microsoft and a message popped up sayin "regemond was last signed in on another console". I felt a little abused at that!! Like I'd woke up with my bumhole feeling sore and an empty Rohypnol packet next to my bed...
- regemond
- Posts: 645
- Joined: Wed Nov 03, 2010 10:59 pm
- Location: Liverpool
Re: The Rant Thread
by Rotek on Mon Feb 06, 2012 3:05 pm
Microsoft got things sorted within a couple of days when my account got hacked a few weeks back - they should refund you everything, and maybe a little extra as well. They gave me two months of free Live Gold. Obviously it doesn't make up for the fact that it happened at all, but it's better than nothing.
Hope it all gets sorted for you soon anyway
Hope it all gets sorted for you soon anyway
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Rotek - Posts: 3372
- Joined: Thu Mar 23, 2006 2:33 pm
- Location: Bournemouth, UK
Re: The Rant Thread
by Pious the chosen on Mon Feb 06, 2012 3:29 pm
regemond wrote:Nowhere near as funny as maf's rant..
I felt a little abused at that!! Like I'd woke up with my bumhole feeling sore and an empty Rohypnol packet next to my bed...
Almost there with this bit though
"Now come, hold onto me, and I'll do the hard work..."
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Pious the chosen - Posts: 6462
- Joined: Sun Jun 11, 2006 6:20 pm
- Location: R'lyeh
Re: The Rant Thread
by retro74 on Mon Feb 06, 2012 4:54 pm
The clothes shopping rant above is very amusing and quite bizarre too. Why would you phone your mate up for information on your Mum's clothing sizes? You couldn't make it up!
Use the internet next time I think
Use the internet next time I think
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retro74 - Posts: 1994
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- Location: St Helens
Re: The Rant Thread
by Guinnes1981 on Mon Feb 06, 2012 5:10 pm
maf-me-quick wrote:dude.
...i said to the woman "what size do they come in?"
she says "all of them"...
This just made my day.
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Guinnes1981 - Posts: 2534
- Joined: Sun Sep 23, 2007 6:05 pm
- Location: Ipswich
Re: The Rant Thread
by jamielovesdumbcats on Mon Feb 06, 2012 8:58 pm
Coronation Street idents.
Annoying woman buys fourteen awful sofas then watches rubbish tv upside down with annoying friend whilst annoying clumsy advert man character screws up tea order.
Someone should hang everyone involved.
Annoying woman buys fourteen awful sofas then watches rubbish tv upside down with annoying friend whilst annoying clumsy advert man character screws up tea order.
Someone should hang everyone involved.
Miaow Woof Oink Moo
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jamielovesdumbcats - Posts: 3
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- Location: Surbiton
Re: The Rant Thread
by Bilge Rat on Mon Feb 06, 2012 10:34 pm
That brings your posting average up to almost one a year 
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Bilge Rat - Posts: 6452
- Joined: Tue May 06, 2008 11:36 am
- Location: Edinburgh, UK
Re: The Rant Thread
by tresdoss on Tue Feb 07, 2012 9:08 am
He'll probably win forumite of the year 2012.....
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tresdoss - Posts: 2330
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